Conflict is normal in relationships, but we often get the message that it’s all bad. The truth is much less black-and-white: it’s linked to how we manage conflict. When we don’t manage conflict well, it can contribute to strained relationships. But when we handle it effectively, it can lead to deeper connection, intimacy, and trust.
If conflict is something you struggle with, you’re not alone. Healthy conflict management is not a skill we learn at school. Most of us learn conflict management by observing and modeling the behaviors of significant figures in our lives, such as our parents. Unfortunately, we don’t always have the best models, and we may pick up unhelpful behaviors.
It may seem unfair, but the great news is that we can change and improve our conflict management skills. Below are five simple tips that can help you navigate conflicts more effectively.
Take a time-out if needed.
Conflict can make us feel stressed, and when we’re under pressure, our emotions can take over. In this state, we’re more likely to do or say things we might regret.
In such cases, it can help to step back and cool down before returning to difficult conversations. When you feel that you’re becoming overwhelmed, it’s okay to ask for time to gather your thoughts and feelings.
Listen to understand, not respond.
This is probably the hardest step. In conflict situations, it’s normal to become defensive and desire to ‘win’ the argument. But this approach keeps conflicts going. When you do this, it becomes you against the other person rather than both of you against the problem.
Instead of trying to come up with a counter-argument, focus on understanding the other person’s perspective. Imagine you have to summarize what they’ve told you to an audience after hearing them out. That’s the level of listening and understanding you should aim for.
Choose empathy over defensiveness.
When we feel criticized, our instinct is to defend ourselves. But if we jump straight into defensive mode, we risk invalidating others. You may not understand why your partner is upset with something you’ve done, but their feelings still matter.
Rather than explaining your actions or dismissing their feelings, put yourself in their shoes. Ask how you might feel in their position — whether you agree with them or not. It’s not always easy, but showing empathy helps de-escalate conflicts because it makes people feel seen, heard, and valued.
Take ownership of your feelings.
Blaming others for your feelings often leads to retaliation and increases tension. People perceive blame and accusations as threats. That’s why, even if someone has hurt you, you need to be careful about how you tell them.
“I” statements are a great way to express yourself without blaming others. Imagine you’re upset with your partner because they haven’t planned any dates lately. Instead of saying something like, “You never plan any dates!” opt for, “I feel neglected because you haven’t planned any dates recently.” Notice how the first statement might make them feel compared to the second one.
Look for common ground:
In conflicts, focusing on differences can keep you stuck. You can waste lots of time and energy trying to prove yourself and sway others to adopt your perspective.
What works much better and keeps relationships intact is to look for similarities. If you make the effort, you can usually find at least something that you both value. When you find it, you can shift the conversation in a much more positive and constructive direction.
Give these 5 tips a try the next time you face a conflict. Practice them consistently, and you’ll build healthier, happier relationships in the future.
